So, I've been so busy you don't understand. First was camp...amazing. So much stuff went down it's hard to remember every detail, but I'll try. A lot of things changed, our schedule got busier, and they tired us out a lot more quickly. I think I probably took like a nap everyday, like an old person. But hey, I understand why they do it now! Anyways, Kevin came back to preach and he was intense. I mean like cry every sermon, passion overflowing from every one of his veins. He hit us fast and hard and it was by far a no holds barred match up between us and God (in a good way).
The band was also amazing. It was their first time leading a camp, but they were amazing. I remember it was like the second day (maybe third) and they were playing through their set like normal. Before camp, I had been really apprehensive of letting God take a hold of me. I was convinced I didn't need help, that I had it going on...boy was I wrong.
You let your guard down at all when the Spirit is moving and BAM...it hits you hard. I can't explain it in a way to do it justice, and unless you are a Christian and have felt the Spirit moving you probably wouldn't understand, but this feeling was scary and happy and sad and exhilarating and tiring and everything you want in a personal experience with the Lord, the Creator of the universe.
As I listened to the band play on and stood in the midst of a hundred other students, all sound drowned out. It was like one of those sleeps when you are both aware and unaware of your surroundings. Even the music seemed dulled in comparison to the Lord's presence. I was performing for an audience of one, and even if everyone else sat down, I would have been standing. It was amazing to just stand in the Lord's presence, in awe of all the things He has done, is doing, and will do.
So, camp wrapped up and we all went our separate ways...that meant that Paul, JP, my dad, and I all headed out on our road trip. Again, so many things happened, but I really wanted to say one thing.
The Lord is good! Those words are really not enough (good Relient K song by the way) to explain how glorious and majestic our Father truly is. We got the chance to watch the sun set over the Grand Canyon, an oh what a sight to see! We sat on the edge as I read Job 38 and Psalm 104, fearing for the lives of my more courageous brothers, completely in awe of the Lord and His creation. I remember thinking "how could such an awesome God love such wretched creatures as us?" He doesn't need us, but He wants us. When we hate Him, He loves us. When we abandon Him, He is steadfast. There are no words to explain the magnitude and beauty of the Grand Canyon, just like there are not enough words to describe our Awesome God.
OK, so after (and even during) this major life experience, I was thinking about someone. This someone is very special to me, but I'm kind of confused about how. Is she special to me like a sister (she is one of my best friends), or is it more than that (I know that I am at least attracted to her)? We have known each other since we were semi-young, but it never really worked out to where we dated. I've liked her at points, and she's liked me at points (I think), but it just never worked out I guess.
So now, randomly I think, I have begun to wonder about my feelings for her. I know I don't want a serious relationship with her or anyone else right now because I need to focus on my nursing school, but I don't know how to go about the situation. I know we fight a lot, and I act like a complete idiot and jerk to her because I hate it when she talks about other guys and how she likes them (she has a right to, I know), and I know that jealousy has no place in a good relationship, but I don't know how to act around her. Recently I've done better, partly because we haven't seen each other, at keeping my mouth shut and letting her talk and just treating her like a friend, which she is. I don't know how to explain it all. I think she is so beautiful, she loves the Lord, she is hilarious, she has so many strong qualities, and she's kind of quirky, but I don't know if it goes past an infatuation into a liking, and if it does, how do I handle it? Girls stink...
[Deep breath] There you go. My life in a nutshell, written in a hasty 30 minutes' longing to go to bed. Whew, now I just have the rest of my life ahead of me...
For You
A picture of perfection is nowhere near perfect,
My reflection of you is so blatantly worthless,
How can I lie and say it doesn't matter...
When everytime I move, I commit murder?
It's over, I'm done, You finally won,
It's over, I'm through, I give it all to you.
My eyes are dry and I have nothing left.
These tears on my cheeks give away my distress.
How many times will it take me to realize...
Without you I'm nothing, take this weight off my chest.
It's over, I'm done, You finally won,
It's over, I'm through, I give it all to you.
My heart and my mind,
Are no longer mine.
This stone heart in my chest,
Is Yours till my last breath.
All struggle and strife,
My sad little life,
Is taken, now taken...
It's over, I'm done, You finally won,
It's over, I'm through, I give it all to you.
My Father, Your son, has finally won,
Now I know what to do...to live for You.
My reflection of you is so blatantly worthless,
How can I lie and say it doesn't matter...
When everytime I move, I commit murder?
It's over, I'm done, You finally won,
It's over, I'm through, I give it all to you.
My eyes are dry and I have nothing left.
These tears on my cheeks give away my distress.
How many times will it take me to realize...
Without you I'm nothing, take this weight off my chest.
It's over, I'm done, You finally won,
It's over, I'm through, I give it all to you.
My heart and my mind,
Are no longer mine.
This stone heart in my chest,
Is Yours till my last breath.
All struggle and strife,
My sad little life,
Is taken, now taken...
It's over, I'm done, You finally won,
It's over, I'm through, I give it all to you.
My Father, Your son, has finally won,
Now I know what to do...to live for You.
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