"I lift a knife to the thing I love most
Praying You'll come so I can have both
What I need is You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need."
-David Crowder Band, Let Me Feel You Shine
This whole week has been very different compared to most of my weeks so far. Lots of lessons are being learned and lots of changes are occurring. It's amazing to see how God speaks, and even more amazing to see what He speaks about. It's like ever since my prayer became "show me your way that your glory be made known," He's had no problem getting in my face and teaching me some new tricks. And I love it!
This is my New Spring in life. I have come out of the cold, dead winter, out of darkness and despair, out of emptiness, and I'm emerging into a spring-time of amazing, fast growth, changes, shifts, new beginnings, and new opportunities. This is what happens when we die to ourselves and arise in Christ.
We can't make the seasons in our lives change any more than we can make the seasons of the Earth change. It's useless, and feudal. Our job as humans is to surrender it all, dying branch and twisted root, to the One who can put life back into the Earth around us. Our job is to allow the glory rain of God to wash over our dead skin, saturating us with love, mercy, compassion, and grace, so that we can see where our life comes from and point back to him. Hosea 2:14-23
That sounds so general and cliche, but it's a basic of our faith. "...give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him." Romans 12:1
I've had to learn a tiny bit about self-sacrifice this week. One lesson He keeps pushing on me is that whatever I love most, whatever I hold dear and fear to lose more than anything, I need to bring to the altar of sacrifice for Him. The story of Abraham and Isaac comes to mind. It finally makes sense: what did Abraham love more than the son the Lord had given him? What other belonging or desire was more important to Abraham than his own flesh and blood, the thing he had waited for his whole life to possess? Nothing. But God tested his faith and commitment by commanding him to give up his own son, merely because He said to.
Oh that I would be so willing!
There are lots of things in my life that are important to me, and others that are becoming more important to me, even recently. But my prayer has to be, and has been, "Lord, be glorified in me and this life you've given me. Allow me to continually sacrifice those things which I hold most dear, even down to my own life, as fragrant offerings on the altar of praise, that you would be made known, that I would die to myself and this world, risen in Christ, and that your glory-light will be lit and made bright for the world to see. Amen."
Submarine
Last night, as I was driving home from Bible study late, I was playing a David Crowder CD. Everyone who knows me knows I love Crowder, so this doesn't come as a surprise. I was driving with the music cranked, letting the new music and lyrics flood over me. It was dark outside, and even though I was on a highway with cars all around me, I felt insulated, almost like I was in a submarine deep under the surface of the waves. Down there I was looking at these fish with weird lights on their heads, seeing crags and mountains that had never seen the light of day. I trekked on and heard the voice of the Lord begin to speak.
I wasn't quite sure what he was saying at first, but as I drove on, I began hearing the lyrics more clearly. I began to give them over as a sacrifice and offering to Him, to our God. I was singing at the top of my lungs, bawling, calling for Him to speak to me. Prayer has become so much more real and powerful to me in recent weeks. I'm trying to seek out God's will for my life in all things, and as my view of Him becomes more clear and my epiphany hits home, I no longer see Him as my eternal "Boss", as a manager who is just there to make sure I'm productive and on track, or will only point out my faults if they somehow affect His kingdom.
I'm seeing our God as my Father for the first time in a long time. He is the one who eternally and completely cares. I am going to Him with issues and trials and wants and desires and laying them at His feet, and He is talking back. It's a two-way conversation. I'm growing in my knowledge and intimacy of the Creator of the Universe, my Savior and Father, at such a perfect crossroads in life.
It excites me. It goes back to that urgency I spoke of earlier this week. I feel the need to make Him known in this world so overwhelmingly that things I held on to before are mere dust in my hands now. I'm beginning to be transformed by the Spirit, a renewal of my mind. Just like our church is going through the season of Epiphany, so too am I having my own Epiphany in my walk with Christ.
So, basically, as I drove home, isolated from the world for a small period in my car, but embraced by the Creator, I looked up and saw the bright and shining moon overhead and the few stars we can see in the city. I prayed to God, "Lord, make yourself known in this fallen world by what you can do through me. I'm fallen, Lord, but use me to your glory. Come with a might and power this world has never seen and wake us up! Steal back what is yours by softening hearts that will turn and see your cross as beautiful and as the only thing worth living for. I Love You. Amen."
I wasn't quite sure what he was saying at first, but as I drove on, I began hearing the lyrics more clearly. I began to give them over as a sacrifice and offering to Him, to our God. I was singing at the top of my lungs, bawling, calling for Him to speak to me. Prayer has become so much more real and powerful to me in recent weeks. I'm trying to seek out God's will for my life in all things, and as my view of Him becomes more clear and my epiphany hits home, I no longer see Him as my eternal "Boss", as a manager who is just there to make sure I'm productive and on track, or will only point out my faults if they somehow affect His kingdom.
I'm seeing our God as my Father for the first time in a long time. He is the one who eternally and completely cares. I am going to Him with issues and trials and wants and desires and laying them at His feet, and He is talking back. It's a two-way conversation. I'm growing in my knowledge and intimacy of the Creator of the Universe, my Savior and Father, at such a perfect crossroads in life.
It excites me. It goes back to that urgency I spoke of earlier this week. I feel the need to make Him known in this world so overwhelmingly that things I held on to before are mere dust in my hands now. I'm beginning to be transformed by the Spirit, a renewal of my mind. Just like our church is going through the season of Epiphany, so too am I having my own Epiphany in my walk with Christ.
So, basically, as I drove home, isolated from the world for a small period in my car, but embraced by the Creator, I looked up and saw the bright and shining moon overhead and the few stars we can see in the city. I prayed to God, "Lord, make yourself known in this fallen world by what you can do through me. I'm fallen, Lord, but use me to your glory. Come with a might and power this world has never seen and wake us up! Steal back what is yours by softening hearts that will turn and see your cross as beautiful and as the only thing worth living for. I Love You. Amen."
Passion and Light...
...these two words have been coming up a lot recently, ever since I returned from Passion. Since then I feel changed, like I'm warmer, like I can't spiritually sit still. I explained it in our small groups and on the trip back like this:
Every time we had a big, family trip to Mississippi or the beach, the night and day before were reserved for packing and preparing. Every one of us had our own responsibilities to make sure the trip went smoothly and nothing got left behind. Each of us had our specific needs and problems to face and we had to pack our own belongings, because no one else knew what was important to us or what would hurt us if left behind. But as a family, as a body, we also had to remember certain other things that would affect the car's trip as a whole (games, snacks, trash bags, our little brother, etc.)
There was an urgency, which is what I remembered most. I was always so excited, looking forward to the end goal of getting to the beach, but first of getting into the car the next day. I didn't ever look at my suitcase and say "why do I need to pack you?! I just want to leave." I never once thought it would be a good idea to just up and leave without first planning out what was important to the journey.
Then, at Passion, God grabbed me, broke me, and began rebuilding me by saying, "why then do you feel the need to ignore my preparation for your heart, all the while longing for the fulfillment of my will? Shouldn't you feel just as excited about what I'm doing in your life right now, packing you up, so that when you finally get into my will, the car, the journey will be prepared and ready for you to walk into?" I was convicted. There is an urgency in my life now, and I feel it growing contagiously.
The Lord, through his light of salvation and mercy and grace, showed me my faults. I was broken and cracked and he renewed my spirit and passions. He made my desires his desires and told me "you were my enemy and I cleaned you. You were my enemy and I clothed you. You were my enemy and I loved you, and now I call you 'friend' and you are my son...LIVE LIKE IT!" Through his Light I could finally see my Passion revealed in his will. Not that is wasn't there before, it always was. It just took a week of walking up Downtown Mountain through Hurricane Blizzard Gustaf and standing in lines with 45,000 other students in Atlanta, praising and glorifying the Lord, for me to finally see it.
Thank the lord for his grace and mercy, "that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!" "We are God's masterpiece, created anew in Christ Jesus so that we can do the good things He had planned for us long ago." Amen.
Every time we had a big, family trip to Mississippi or the beach, the night and day before were reserved for packing and preparing. Every one of us had our own responsibilities to make sure the trip went smoothly and nothing got left behind. Each of us had our specific needs and problems to face and we had to pack our own belongings, because no one else knew what was important to us or what would hurt us if left behind. But as a family, as a body, we also had to remember certain other things that would affect the car's trip as a whole (games, snacks, trash bags, our little brother, etc.)
There was an urgency, which is what I remembered most. I was always so excited, looking forward to the end goal of getting to the beach, but first of getting into the car the next day. I didn't ever look at my suitcase and say "why do I need to pack you?! I just want to leave." I never once thought it would be a good idea to just up and leave without first planning out what was important to the journey.
Then, at Passion, God grabbed me, broke me, and began rebuilding me by saying, "why then do you feel the need to ignore my preparation for your heart, all the while longing for the fulfillment of my will? Shouldn't you feel just as excited about what I'm doing in your life right now, packing you up, so that when you finally get into my will, the car, the journey will be prepared and ready for you to walk into?" I was convicted. There is an urgency in my life now, and I feel it growing contagiously.
The Lord, through his light of salvation and mercy and grace, showed me my faults. I was broken and cracked and he renewed my spirit and passions. He made my desires his desires and told me "you were my enemy and I cleaned you. You were my enemy and I clothed you. You were my enemy and I loved you, and now I call you 'friend' and you are my son...LIVE LIKE IT!" Through his Light I could finally see my Passion revealed in his will. Not that is wasn't there before, it always was. It just took a week of walking up Downtown Mountain through Hurricane Blizzard Gustaf and standing in lines with 45,000 other students in Atlanta, praising and glorifying the Lord, for me to finally see it.
Thank the lord for his grace and mercy, "that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!" "We are God's masterpiece, created anew in Christ Jesus so that we can do the good things He had planned for us long ago." Amen.
Living Drums
I love rain. There, I said it. I love the smell of it. I love the sound of it. I don't really love the taste of it, but I could probably learn to love that too. I love the feeling of it hitting my hair and face and arms and shoulders and neck, the soft tapping and dripping, almost like the sky is using my body as a living drum. I think of the times when I was a kid and my dad and I would go out on our front deck, eat an orange, and play in the rain. I would run through the puddles like I could walk or glide across the water, until I landed ankle-deep in what was probably Salmonella-ridden water. But I didn't care. The splash alone was a pay-off greater than getting a deadly infection.
The splash would come up and hit my legs and shins like a snare drum. Pop pop pop. Like a machine gun round, all the drops hit in rapid succession and my previously dry legs became streaked with mud and dirt and rain water. It was magic.
The water from below, though, was nowhere as awe-inspiring as the rain falling from the sky. As a kid I didn't care that the clouds I loved to watch on a sunny day were at this time emptying themselves on the Earth because the gaseous form they were in was too much to hold and therefore needed to be converted to water and fall on me. I had no clue. All I knew was what I saw, and what I saw was water from above coming down so I could play in it. It didn't matter how much rain was falling, heavy or light I played and laughed with all my might, because that was all I knew.
The rain praises the Lord as it falls from the sky. Each strike or fall or drip or tap on a person, on us living drums, is a sound of the natural worship the Creation offers back to the Creator. The splashes of children playing in rain puddles is pleasing to the Lord. It is His Creation calling back to Him in thanks and praise for showing His might and love and playfulness. Imagine Christ as a child, running through the streets of Bethlehem or Jerusalem after a rain storm, playing with the other children, dancing in rain puddles, playing with His own creation! That is amazing!! Our Creator played with His Creation, and it praised Him for it. At least I like to think so.
The splash would come up and hit my legs and shins like a snare drum. Pop pop pop. Like a machine gun round, all the drops hit in rapid succession and my previously dry legs became streaked with mud and dirt and rain water. It was magic.
The water from below, though, was nowhere as awe-inspiring as the rain falling from the sky. As a kid I didn't care that the clouds I loved to watch on a sunny day were at this time emptying themselves on the Earth because the gaseous form they were in was too much to hold and therefore needed to be converted to water and fall on me. I had no clue. All I knew was what I saw, and what I saw was water from above coming down so I could play in it. It didn't matter how much rain was falling, heavy or light I played and laughed with all my might, because that was all I knew.
The rain praises the Lord as it falls from the sky. Each strike or fall or drip or tap on a person, on us living drums, is a sound of the natural worship the Creation offers back to the Creator. The splashes of children playing in rain puddles is pleasing to the Lord. It is His Creation calling back to Him in thanks and praise for showing His might and love and playfulness. Imagine Christ as a child, running through the streets of Bethlehem or Jerusalem after a rain storm, playing with the other children, dancing in rain puddles, playing with His own creation! That is amazing!! Our Creator played with His Creation, and it praised Him for it. At least I like to think so.
Playful Wind
It's on days like this that I begin to get a grasp and feel of the majesty of my Lord around me. The blue sky above me shines bright, deep, and thoughtful with a mind of its own. The wispy white clouds that streak the sky flow along with the gusts of wind that blow past my face, playing with me like an excited child and saying "Watch what I can do! Look, look!" I can't help but laugh. The warmth of the sun is so obvious as I walk from the shade to the sunlight streaming through the atmosphere. It heats up the skin that was previously so cold and dark and lightens it up, giving life and light.
All of these things I see around me in creation, each seemingly with it's own personality, flows from the breath and hands of the Creator. They are in place in perfect harmony by a Heavenly Composer, and the beautiful thing is: they know it!
They know they are here on Earth because of a Creator. They don't say to themselves, "I'm an amazing sky, look at my color," or "I am warming up this world with my light, and I'm proud of it." No! They simply say, "Look! Look at who made me! Isn't he amazing!" They know their proper place. They understand that they are here for His glory, reflecting His majesty, and pointing back to His grace. Wow! I hope I can learn from the blue sky and white clouds and playful wind and warm sun to praise my Creator that well. I want to glorify Him, because without Him, I am nothing.
D
All of these things I see around me in creation, each seemingly with it's own personality, flows from the breath and hands of the Creator. They are in place in perfect harmony by a Heavenly Composer, and the beautiful thing is: they know it!
They know they are here on Earth because of a Creator. They don't say to themselves, "I'm an amazing sky, look at my color," or "I am warming up this world with my light, and I'm proud of it." No! They simply say, "Look! Look at who made me! Isn't he amazing!" They know their proper place. They understand that they are here for His glory, reflecting His majesty, and pointing back to His grace. Wow! I hope I can learn from the blue sky and white clouds and playful wind and warm sun to praise my Creator that well. I want to glorify Him, because without Him, I am nothing.
D
Flesh-Heart
Recently, I've been wrestling with what true, biblical worship is. What does it look like? What does it entail? What are we supposed to do or say or sing or play? How important is it? So many questions, so there's an equal need for answers. It's a subject that I feel responsible to have at least a decent grasp on, seeing as I am a worship leader. How can I be a proficient leader in worship if I don't understand what it is I'm leading people in? So, here's what I've come up with so far, with help from worship leaders before me.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship." -Romans 12:1
We were created for God's glory out of his unconditional, never-ending love. He didn't need us, but He desired us. He is perfect, holy, and complete without imperfect humans, but because of His love, he desired to show love to another. If we can grasp that off the bat, that's at least half of worship as I see it: we need God infinitely more than He needs us.
This may sound somewhat pessimistic and degrading to humanity, but in reality it is a beautiful thing. We are loved by the Creator of the universe, by the Alpha and Omega, by the Heavenly Father. It's not a love out of requirement, or a love expecting anything in return. It's a love beyond our grasp and comprehension because there is no perfect love that has ever existed here on Earth beyond that of Christ dying in our place. But it stands as a model, an example, which we are called to follow.
As we begin to see God's perfect love more clearly, we equally grow in our grasp on grace. We are depraved, evil-to-the-core, ugly beings who deserve every form of punishment and death available because of the rebellion we have headed against God, "for the wages of sin is death." God cannot stand the sight of sin, and we are stained with it. If it were of our own accord and strength to be made right in God's eyes, we would all fall flat on our faces "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." But there is beauty in our depravity.
Out of that perfect, unconditional love that God is made of, He sent His son for us, His only son, His perfect son, to cover us in grace. He died in our place. He took the punishment for sin, the wrath of God, the separation that we deserved to the grave. And after three days, he rose in victory, forever conquering death and sin. He is our atonement. He is our living sacrifice. His blood covers our sins and allows us to be accepted into God's family. And when we call on Him and give ourselves over to His calling for our lives, we begin our journey of worship. That salvation, the beginning of sanctification, is also our first act of worship.
We stand in victory with Christ over death, and it's not of our own accord or strength, it is through Christ's sacrifice this happens. When we point back to Him, we are worshiping. We are dying to our old selves and taking the new, flesh-heart Christ bought for us, and through that we are glorifying him. When we understand the first half of worship ("we need God infinitely more than He needs us"), the second part falls into place: because of the love-laced grace through which Christ saved us, the least we can do is give ourselves over fully and with nothing held back to God so that the world can see His glorious work in action.
That brings us full circle: ...in view of God’s mercy...offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. We do this for His glory, not our own. We praise and sing and read and pray and dance and breathe and cry and scream and laugh and live for His glory. The more we point back to Him through the gifts He has given us, the better we are fulfilling our purpose here on Earth: to love Him because He loved us, to pursue Him because He pursued us, to woo Him because he wooed us, to surrender ourselves to Him because His son surrendered himself, and to glorify Him because we were made in the image of His glorious self. That is worship in a nutshell. Hope that helps. :-)
D
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship." -Romans 12:1
We were created for God's glory out of his unconditional, never-ending love. He didn't need us, but He desired us. He is perfect, holy, and complete without imperfect humans, but because of His love, he desired to show love to another. If we can grasp that off the bat, that's at least half of worship as I see it: we need God infinitely more than He needs us.
This may sound somewhat pessimistic and degrading to humanity, but in reality it is a beautiful thing. We are loved by the Creator of the universe, by the Alpha and Omega, by the Heavenly Father. It's not a love out of requirement, or a love expecting anything in return. It's a love beyond our grasp and comprehension because there is no perfect love that has ever existed here on Earth beyond that of Christ dying in our place. But it stands as a model, an example, which we are called to follow.
As we begin to see God's perfect love more clearly, we equally grow in our grasp on grace. We are depraved, evil-to-the-core, ugly beings who deserve every form of punishment and death available because of the rebellion we have headed against God, "for the wages of sin is death." God cannot stand the sight of sin, and we are stained with it. If it were of our own accord and strength to be made right in God's eyes, we would all fall flat on our faces "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." But there is beauty in our depravity.
Out of that perfect, unconditional love that God is made of, He sent His son for us, His only son, His perfect son, to cover us in grace. He died in our place. He took the punishment for sin, the wrath of God, the separation that we deserved to the grave. And after three days, he rose in victory, forever conquering death and sin. He is our atonement. He is our living sacrifice. His blood covers our sins and allows us to be accepted into God's family. And when we call on Him and give ourselves over to His calling for our lives, we begin our journey of worship. That salvation, the beginning of sanctification, is also our first act of worship.
We stand in victory with Christ over death, and it's not of our own accord or strength, it is through Christ's sacrifice this happens. When we point back to Him, we are worshiping. We are dying to our old selves and taking the new, flesh-heart Christ bought for us, and through that we are glorifying him. When we understand the first half of worship ("we need God infinitely more than He needs us"), the second part falls into place: because of the love-laced grace through which Christ saved us, the least we can do is give ourselves over fully and with nothing held back to God so that the world can see His glorious work in action.
That brings us full circle: ...in view of God’s mercy...offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. We do this for His glory, not our own. We praise and sing and read and pray and dance and breathe and cry and scream and laugh and live for His glory. The more we point back to Him through the gifts He has given us, the better we are fulfilling our purpose here on Earth: to love Him because He loved us, to pursue Him because He pursued us, to woo Him because he wooed us, to surrender ourselves to Him because His son surrendered himself, and to glorify Him because we were made in the image of His glorious self. That is worship in a nutshell. Hope that helps. :-)
D
A Perfect Fit
I have learned recently the necessity of grace, the fact that no matter what I do, no matter what I think, no matter how many good things I try to do to cover up all the bad things, the evilness within myself far outweighs them. It's a lesson that's been a long time coming. For so long I have leaned on my own sense of grace and my own sense of strength that I didn't realize until now that this crooked crutch I've depended on has had me on a path I was never meant to stumble down. Last night, as I was reading Romans 2 and 3, God's words hit so close to home I began to bawl.
I cried for the fact that I have been running from God, wanting to do the things I wanted to do, the things I thought would fulfill my sick desires. I cried for the fact that I had turned my back on my Father. I cried for the fact that I had felt so little remorse for so long for the sins I had used to nail Christ to the cross. I cried out for forgiveness. I cried out for mercy. I cried out in anger towards myself and for the fact that I knew that justice must be served, and that I deserved every bit of it. I prayed in agony for God to just take away this pain, and even more painful was that I knew I deserved it.
This separation from my Creator, my Redeemer, my Savior was hell, in the fullest sense of the word. I knew my sins and I saw them standing there, laughing at me and scoffing at this small, sickly being that knew nothing and had done even less for my Lord. These sins that I had no way of shedding on my own, of my own accord. I was stained to the very bone marrow with sins as crimson as the thickest blood, and there was nothing I could do about it, and that overtook me.
But in my pain, sorrow, anger, emptiness, depravity, I heard a voice through the darkness that was calling my name. I heard a voice that seemed so familiar and so close, I thought it was there with me. It said, "Get up, David. Get up and take my hand. You are my son, my creation, my love, and I have paid the price for you. You are mine. You are wholly mine and you don't have to be captive to these sins any longer." I saw him in my mind, reaching out for me with a hole in one hand and holding a robe of the whitest white in the other. I stood up, cowering in his glorious presence, but he touched my tear-drenched cheek and looked into my eyes.
This was my Father. This was my Savior. This was the One who had conquered death for me and the rest of the world. He was alive in front of me, holding my new robe that he had cleansed by his own blood. The darkness was gone. The pain was gone. The anger was gone. All I felt was acceptance into his family. I knew I was still not perfect, and I knew I had a long road to travel to grow closer to this man, but in his presence, anything was possible. I had found my life in him.
He put it on the white robe he had been holding for me and I put it on...it was a perfect fit.
I cried for the fact that I have been running from God, wanting to do the things I wanted to do, the things I thought would fulfill my sick desires. I cried for the fact that I had turned my back on my Father. I cried for the fact that I had felt so little remorse for so long for the sins I had used to nail Christ to the cross. I cried out for forgiveness. I cried out for mercy. I cried out in anger towards myself and for the fact that I knew that justice must be served, and that I deserved every bit of it. I prayed in agony for God to just take away this pain, and even more painful was that I knew I deserved it.
This separation from my Creator, my Redeemer, my Savior was hell, in the fullest sense of the word. I knew my sins and I saw them standing there, laughing at me and scoffing at this small, sickly being that knew nothing and had done even less for my Lord. These sins that I had no way of shedding on my own, of my own accord. I was stained to the very bone marrow with sins as crimson as the thickest blood, and there was nothing I could do about it, and that overtook me.
But in my pain, sorrow, anger, emptiness, depravity, I heard a voice through the darkness that was calling my name. I heard a voice that seemed so familiar and so close, I thought it was there with me. It said, "Get up, David. Get up and take my hand. You are my son, my creation, my love, and I have paid the price for you. You are mine. You are wholly mine and you don't have to be captive to these sins any longer." I saw him in my mind, reaching out for me with a hole in one hand and holding a robe of the whitest white in the other. I stood up, cowering in his glorious presence, but he touched my tear-drenched cheek and looked into my eyes.
This was my Father. This was my Savior. This was the One who had conquered death for me and the rest of the world. He was alive in front of me, holding my new robe that he had cleansed by his own blood. The darkness was gone. The pain was gone. The anger was gone. All I felt was acceptance into his family. I knew I was still not perfect, and I knew I had a long road to travel to grow closer to this man, but in his presence, anything was possible. I had found my life in him.
He put it on the white robe he had been holding for me and I put it on...it was a perfect fit.
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